I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
