Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
