Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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