my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
