He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
