If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
