"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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