every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
