I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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