i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
