i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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