I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
