Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
