I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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