she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
