Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
