i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
