You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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