I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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