I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think I am morally bankrupt
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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