There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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