Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
