Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
