Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
