did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
