I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
