She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
