Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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