I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
