go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
