At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
