I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
