normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
