Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
