It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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