I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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