If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I need a beard to bite.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
