just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
