and you said cock pushups were impossible
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
