Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
