I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
