Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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