So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
