Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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