Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
