She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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