I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
