a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
