My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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