you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
