Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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